i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
