I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
