I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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