Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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