New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
