I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
