I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize