My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
