last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
