I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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