another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Holy shit dude........stairs
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