9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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