i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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