this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
