3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
