tonight lets celebrate not being married
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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