I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
