my mouth tastes like poor choices
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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