It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
