ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
