Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
