Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
