Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
