Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
