I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
