I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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