$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
