did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
