I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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