turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
