You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
