I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
