mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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