Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
