When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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