tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
