my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
