I want to make a zoo with you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
