As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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