Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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