i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
this is an emotional support booty call
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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