Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
