my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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