she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
