I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
