I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
