if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
