My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
