Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
