Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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