Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
