he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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