How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
