proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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