In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Screwed.edu
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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