I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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