I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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