rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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