It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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