Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize